last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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