my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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