I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
