okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
