just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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