If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize