It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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