I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
