I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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