I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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