I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
