I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
