I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
