Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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