You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
