plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
