Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
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