Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
