whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
