You can't special order awesome
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
