i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
