i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I enjoy the company of your penis
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
