My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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