I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
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