Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
