After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
