So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
