I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
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