her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
