I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
