Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
