I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
