32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
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