tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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