I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
