do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's shark week go big or go home
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
