I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
