Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
