Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
