Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize