when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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