I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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