you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
