I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
