my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
