you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
