btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
