I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
