when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I've blown a few things in my day
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
