i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
