At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
