Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
