if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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