My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
