I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize