You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I supernannyed him into submission
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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