Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
