i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize