People with herpes should wear stickers.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
