i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
