i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
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