im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
