I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
