Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
