My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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