I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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