Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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