so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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