legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
