I'm sorry my penis didn't work
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
